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July 16, 2021

10:13 AM

As I stand in the mirror putting on makeup to go absolutely nowhere, I wonder will I ever be who I am supposed to be…

Is it about bravery or the lack thereof… Is it laziness, am I confused… or am I emotionally just spent and have little to no willpower to even apply myself.

I put on makeup when I need to “feel” something. I don’t do it for outward approval, honestly, I’d rather no one notice that I had it on. I’m no makeup guru and i’m sure my “blending game” could use a cliff notes course. However it makes me feel, for a lack of better words- Better…

I knew I needed to groom my brows but didn’t think they would be screaming through my makeup the way that they were. I had to laugh because they were disgruntled. As I leaned in to pluck the few hairs that had decided the best place was out of formation, I could hear my inner voice saying- What are you doing with your life… Whats next?

I immediately sunk into the truth of that. Not currently happy where I am now but realizing the blessing that it is to be apart of an organization that really isn’t all that bad compared to what I have been through in the past. But inside I yearn for something more and for the life of me, I can’t seem to figure out what that is. I ask myself in that moment, “did I miss it?” Did I miss my calling to be a stay at home mom that ran errands and found joy in keeping a house moving like a well oiled machine? One who planted a garden and tended to it with love and tenderness and even planned for the cold season. A woman who loved the land and appreciated the seasons for everything they were capable of in their own timing. Are my crocheting skills laying dormant because that life is no longer an option? I have to be honest when I say I feel so stuck…

Corporate America is not for me, I can’t make it make sense for my life. And even though that is the only place I have been in my employment life, I don’t want to be there any longer. I wasn’t aware of what else was out there. I grew up seeing my mom work multiple jobs. Breaking her back for us, even until the day she left this earth. She never experienced the rest or the enjoyment of what life has to offer. Everyone I knew worked and made a living doing something that they complained about. I thought that was just life. At the ripe Young age of 45, I’m finally realizing that its not… it can’t be and I won’t accept that.

I was recently in a car accident that totaled the only thing I have ever owned. Physically my body has been going through a tremendous amount of trauma. Emotionally I have been solid- or at least it seems. Mentally, I have been thinking of an escape route from my job as this would be the perfect time- never having to show my face there again. And the constant thoughts of what can I be doing in this down time to promote myself to exactly where it is i’m supposed to be.

Have you ever dropped something and didn’t know where it landed? You spin in a full circle trying to find it and just can’t seem to put your eyes on it. You smack your lips after the first spin- or maybe that’s just me, and then you spin again at a slower pace. You eventually find yourself on the floor on your hands and knees looking under everything. You may even attempt to recreate the fall trying to pinpoint in just What direction it may have fallen… then, when you FINALLY find it, you literally looked OVER it with every spin. On your hands and knees, your hair brushed across it but you Still didn’t see it. All the while, it was laying there, quiet, unbothered, just waiting on you to “find it’… Yeah, that’s me, that’s my life and me trying to find myself.

I’m restless on the inside and maybe that is visible on the outside, maybe that is the true meaning of the makeup- subconsciously. A lot has happened in such a short period of time- there is Still a lot happening. Things never stop, some things we can shimmy around or juke out of the way of. Other things smack us head on and truly after the first few impacts, I know I become numb. Not numb in emotion but in physically feeling. God help me…

Proverbs 16:33 says, “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord”

My lot, His decision… maybe I am here in this “confusion” or whatever it is because He is working. Not necessarily in my life but in someone else’s. Maybe my urge to stop and write this was to allow someone to see that they are not alone and that more of us are going through the same thing. And maybe whoever they is, won’t see it today and maybe they won’t see it for some time, but its here. And this is therapy for me..

Until next time, Be Love

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