June 14, 2020
I'm starting to wonder if a life committed to someone else is even for me. If having the responsibility of someone else is as glamorous as I have always romanticized. I will admit, it feels like it's ingrained in my heart. Like at the core of its beating lies the root of connection with another. However, the roads I have walked to find it are so cluttered with “excess” and “self preservation” that I don't know that I possess the energy to even try to triumph along it.
I always envisioned myself as a mother and a wife. And maybe my sheer mention of those two in that order is why my life looks the way it does now. Maybe deep down inside, I was being awakened to the future of my life without being wise enough to realize it. I spoke it mother- wife, when in reality I wanted it to be wife-mother. However I believe in purpose as an ever flowing thing. That purpose is not to be attained but to always be walked in. That, this, right now IS purpose. And I have to be intentional and aware. But I also have to be careful. Careful not to mistake my purpose for “Wrong”. Like my right now is a mistake of some sort. Like there was another way and I missed it. That my last two right turns should have been left turns. If that was the case, my rights would be wrong in a sense too… right? Maybe…
All I know right now in this moment is that everything feels heavy and light at the same time. That life is heavy right now but it is also light as a feather. I don't know a better way to describe it. All I know is that everything I thought I wanted is being challenged. My thoughts are changing and my anxiety is raging. In spurts, some days it's controllable and some days it's not. Some days go by without a sign and other days are riddled like gun shots in a war zone. I don't want to do this to myself… I want to grab control back. So I ask myself, how long will this last? Would it be wise to include someone else in on this “mess”. How fair would that be? And although I consider myself a pretty loving person, and would do anything to aid someone else in healing. I, on the surface feel like there would be no one to walk through healing with me in the way that I need. It's hard to admit, when you know a wide variety of people, but still feel like an outsider no matter what circle you are in. Don't mistake my words to mean I am looking for a replica of myself, because I am not. I just want someone to care for me the way I need to be cared for. The way my soul yearns for. I have to laugh because I know that's a hard ask. Because I can't even seem to do it for myself.
Let me just stop and Thank Jesus for His mercy and grace. Today has been a good day. Even with the heart flutters that make me think the worst. And the pain that I have in my arms that make me think the worst. I'm writing… something I have longed to do but didnt know where to start. I spent quality time sharing a meal with my kids and laughing. Watching church online, telling my dog NO as always and sitting by the window as the rain poured for me. To then be greeted with the most Marvelous rainbow ! Absolutely Beautiful pieces …
I am proud of myself for staying diligent to seeking God in all this and seeking help to walk through this challenging part of my life. It's becoming clear that God is providing. Saving me from myself and showing me that I can trust Him, no matter what. Psalm 18:30 says, “God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.” I am looking to Him for protection in all of this. He is the Only one that I have Faith and Trust in.
And I know whatever He has for me won't miss me. So if I am to share my life with someone, He will provide. If I am to walk through life with just His guidance, He will provide. I am to just walk... through this purpose.