May 30, 2018
I’m hard on myself. I think for some of us, it is only natural to be. Trying to reach some sort of “Perfect” but not too perfect. I remember all too recently having my heartbroken for what I declared to be the last time. I had put up my guard after that and declared, there was no place for Love here. It just didn’t seem to fit.
I remember days of trying to hold it together and figure out what my next step would be. How I would make a seamless transition for the sake of my children. They were involved and yes it was like a dream come true for them. They longed for that “family” make up... Mom, Dad, each other. They were, in what seemed like a good place. Most times as adults we make decisions and we don’t take into consideration the way that we should, how the children will feel if it all falls apart. At one point I believed I was doing exactly what needed to be done. Giving my kids the “Family” they always wanted. And welcoming the Love I always desired.
When things fell apart, including me, I was no good to the little people who needed me the most. I scrambled to make things happen all the while trying to hold it together and present the best face I knew how. I relocated, to a place that was so foreign and uncomfortable. Not realizing where I was in the moment, just knowing it didn’t feel good and I knew it would never feel like home. I felt so lost. I could only imagine how my kids felt. Anything that could go wrong, did. From the price of my new rent fluctuating, to the fact that I had bugs crawling inside the fridge. The kids and I slept closely knit together on the floor as I kept my eye out for bugs that may try to crawl on us at night. Needless to say, I did little sleeping or eating.
I got to a point where I felt I couldn’t pray. I had prayed so hard that my situation would work and I wouldn’t have to take drastic measures such as this. I had prayed that I would find a place that was safe and comfortable. I prayed for understanding. I prayed to be okay with not understanding. What I failed to pray for and realize was, that I just needed to wake up.
I had strayed. And in order to get back to where God needed me to be, I needed time in the Wilderness. I needed to be uncomfortable. I needed things to go wrong so that God could show me how to get right. I needed this time to think, to be alone with my thoughts. To have bugs crawl on me to know that the world is still a very real place and its infested with things that will try to shift your focus. A lot of days I sat in the wilderness with my back to My Savior. As I sit back and envision, arms crossed and all, I was upset. I could rationalize why I shouldn’t be in this predicament. I had all the answers...
When I look at my situation now with fresh eyes, I know that I am still in the Wilderness, and for good cause. I am not done learning what He placed me here to learn. Things have changed. No bugs, Thank You God! Although I know they had a purpose. The lesson would not be complete without them. Me and the corporate office staff for the apartments, have a Great relationship and all my issues are being addressed in a timely manner. However I know I had to meet opposition in that, it serves a purpose. The man who offered my kid drugs is no longer here. I had planned a nice long “Get your life together” speech, and was ready to deliver it to him at our very next interaction by the stairs. I was ready for whatever he was ready to say in his defense. I was literally that Mama Bear ready to do anything to protect her cubs. He vanished sort of... I would hear his voice at night, but wasn’t going to jeopardize my kids safety by confronting him in the dark of the Wilderness. And before long, his voice became nonexistent. His presence, nowhere to be found. Thank God ! But I needed that experience. I needed to find my strength again. My voice against the wrongs in the world. Not just for my family, but for all. Nothing is perfect and I don’t expect it to be. Things in the wilderness just kind of happen. I have seen and heard many trees fall and God has directed me through safe passage. Although I’m functioning, because of His Mercy and Grace only, the healing process is slow.
So, I am so Thankful for my Wilderness journey. I’m so Thankful He has called me to a place where I have no choice but to focus on him. I’m so Thankful, that even in my tantrum phase, He was gentle with me. And that He is STILL gentle with me. Showing me something new everyday. Helping me be gentle with myself and everyone else.
Life is full of all the lessons we need to learn. Most times we are just to busy ignoring them for the guilty pleasures of the world. I will be the first to raise my hand to admit my fault there.
The Wilderness is a holy place. It is making me more Aware... of Him, of me, of others, of everything. I will be honest and say I do not Love this apartment. But I Love the Wilderness, for all it is teaching me, for all it offers and for the Beautifully chaotic make up that it holds.
Dear God, you called me into this quiet time with you. In a place that was so terrifying at first. You reassured me of your presence here and have kept us covered by your feathers. You have created a safe haven amidst the chaos. You have invited me in to get closer to you. You Love me beyond measure, it is so evident. I’m humbled, grateful and amazed at your goodness toward me. Father, Thank You! Although those words don’t do much to compensate for what you are doing, they are all that I have. I will praise you with all that is in me, all the days of my life! Amen