Sometimes I just don’t want to concern myself with other people. What they are doing, how they are doing it. I would rather just not care... but I can’t ... I’m not wired that way., Anymore...
Many of my days are spent with my mind being unsettled on the what if’s based on the behaviors of others. Based on the conversations that have shaped the way I feel. If I’m being honest, I believe I deserve the truth. But who tells me that, what tells me that? I guess I still believe that there is good in everyone. Waiting to be discovered. I remember a time when I didn’t recognize the good in me. When I felt like there was no need for me and I took up space here. When it wouldn’t matter what I did right because I was guaranteed to always do something wrong. And no matter what, someone would constantly remind me of that. I walked around for years not knowing my worth. Feeling like no one cared and that I wasn’t valuable. No one bothered to tell me otherwise sooo it made sense. What reason would I have or did I have ? Congratulations, and praise was few and far between. And I was resentful... I was angry... and I was hurt. That I couldn’t hide, lol. When someone would “get on me” about my lacks, the first thing I would do before even answering was shed a tear. It became customary to hear. “ Don’t you cry,” or “Here you go crying again.” I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling or why it was so easy to cry, even though I fought it Hard, each time. I fought it so hard for years that I forgot How to cry at one point. I don’t think it mattered much to anyone how I felt. Not because of lack of love but because life got in the way and everyone was “busy.” Or perhaps because no one else had a clue on How to truly nurture people.
What I learned through these experiences in life is how hurt feels. I learned how to pay attention. And I learned that no matter what, life changes- we all grow, and at the end of the day, no one is perfect.
When I mastered how to mask my struggle- the tears, it was born again into an inner rage. That kept me in a cycle of cutting people off and holding grudges. My mom used to say, “ Don’t get on Cassidi’s bad side, she will ignore you so hard, you will wonder if you still exist.” And for one of the rare times in life, I took that as a compliment. And I kept doing it. I felt a sense of pride and strength in being able to 1. Hold back those lousy tears, and 2. Return the hurt... but it was killing me, silently. In ways I was oblivious to. Ruined relationships, friend, family or otherwise... I was the Queen of unforgiveness.
I don’t remember the shift and I believe I don’t because that’s not what was important. What was important was that there was change, in a positive direction. I equated every situation to, What Would Jesus Do? God slowly began to work on me. Beginning to require me to feel again. I did, however I displayed no emotion. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t even smile confidently... I had lost my teeth and was distraught (another story for another time). And I felt I had Again, nothing to offer.
I remember sitting in my room, TRYING to make myself cry and was unsuccessful. I practiced for months... nothing. I soon was confronted with life challenging me to walk familiar territory. Back to feeling worthless. Situations in my life began to change and I knew God was calling me to More... I was losing everything that I thought meant something and once again it appeared that no one cared. When it began to feel like no one was worried about me, no one was asking how I was doing, when no one seemed to be concerned, just like riding a bike- I cried. I believe God puts certain things front and center in our lives, not for us to just push past and let go. But so that we feel the sting of it, get familiar with being uncomfortable and LEARN how to navigate through life because of it.
So, yes I have moments where I don’t want to care, where I don’t want to be concerned, where I only want to think about me. However God walked with me through times in my life of that. He continues to walk through that with me as I continue to experience it. And He is calling me to Persevere. To go through it even if it feels lonely. But also in remembering that feeling, not to allow others to feel it, to help carry burdens. This is not home, but on the journey to get there I am called to help those who have fallen and are sitting on the side of the road, WE are called. Be concerned. Be willing. Be Love. To those unlovable. To those who are sad. To those who seem to have it all together and those who we know don’t. Ask how someone is doing, offer a smile, be willing to be hurt for no reason and keep no account of that wrong. Because no matter what, you are Always Blessed!
Father, Thank You for this day! Thank you for your mercy and your grace! I am not strong enough to go through this life alone. And when I try to make sense of it all, I end up making a mess. Help me to be every inch of what you are calling me to be. To see this world with your eyes, and to know you never leave me lonely. When I crave the attention of the world remind me that your attention I have and it’s so much more satisfying. Help me to understand that we all will NEVER understand it all. But as we journey each day one day closer to you, that these hurts won’t last always. Father fill me with your Love that I am able to spread it to others, knowing I don’t possess enough on my own to even Love me proper. Be my strength, be my comfort, in your Loving and precious name I pray, Amen.