April 30, 2018
9:30 PM
Have you ever been in a place where your reality seems like it just can’t be real? You are experiencing things you just never saw in the cards for you. The more you think about it, the more you cannot make it make sense?
I am a good person. I try to Be Love to everyone I encounter. But I’m sitting here wondering why I feel like love has eluded me. Why I seem not to qualify to be looked at with any type of “Love favor.” I get in this space and I begin looking at my situations and say to myself, “ that’s not what I deserve, I’m a good person.” I should have better...Love. But its not about that. Its not about how good of a person I am. Or have been. It’s not about how many puppies I have saved or babies I have Loved on. I’m realizing, I’m called to this place for purpose. Am I operating in my purpose even through the pains of feeling Loved-Less... Am I growing through the motions of feeling insecure... Do I have the potential to be something Greater for a cause way bigger than myself, started by One who Loves me endlessly...
See, I see right where I am. I can even see where I have been. But what I, better yet we can’t see, is where we are going. It’s easy to dismiss the ride or hate the journey when you don’t know where you are going. I always would tell my kids when we were driving, if they asked, “where are we going?” My response would be, “just sit back you will see when we get there.” God has such a sense of humor. As I sit in the backseat of my life, begging to know where all of this is taking me, where am I going, He patiently, lovely says, “ Just sit back, you will see when we get there.”
I hurt daily. I’m sure I’m not alone in that. I struggle daily, this too I know I have company in. I want to use my hurt to propel me into something better. I want my struggle to be the reason I never stop trying. Why I never stop Loving.
It’s so hard.
To lay down my wants and what I feel like what I need, to make sure everyone I encounter knows His face. Some days I fail at that- transparency.
He sees in my future where where I am at right now in this moment will get me. I have to let go and trust Him. Trust Him enough to know my pain is not in vain and that on the other side of this struggle is victory in Him. And honestly, there may be more struggle on the other side of this struggle. But this is what I know for sure, He is intimately acquainted with me in the struggle of my life... He knows, He feels, He understands. And knowing that turns that Love-Less feeling into THEE ULTIMATE LOVE FEELING . Sometimes we draw the line on who we are going to Love. He never does that... He is my example. Quite honestly, He is the hardest math equation I have ever been challenged with. Lucky for me I don’t have to solve anything, He did it all for me. I take his example and I Love. Without measure, without drawing a line. And whatever pain that causes me, because it will, I will praise Him for placing me in the midst of a struggle, designed to help me discover my purpose. Pray with me...
My God, I know you have designed me for greater than this moment. I know you are constantly working. What I cannot see is how you have already completed this work. And who knows, my hearts desire may truly be Your will for me this time, lol. Lord Thank you, for all the blocks I have stumbled on. Thank you for the restless mind and the sleepless nights. Thank you for the tears and the over analytical mind. Thank you for the hurts. For all the people and things and words that have scarred me, I thank you. Thank you for all the no’s. Thank you for all the arguments, all the fights. God I ask that you prepare me for unexpected circumstances, as I know, they will continue to come. I pray that every eye that reads this will remember the important truths, You can transform us into anything. We only need to decrease so that You may increase. I pray for your increase tonight Lord, in Jesus name, AMEN !
