As this morning dawned, once again I was faced with these same emotions. I’m still learning. I’m still crying. I’m still hurting. However, I realize, I have not lost anything, but I am gaining Everything...
March 26, 2018
I’m so full. But I don’t know that that is a good thing. As a matter of fact, I know its not a good thing. I’m full of just muck from this world. My thinking has strayed, my behavior has strayed. I’m lost... once again, I am lost. This is not a comfortable feeling. It’s not the place I envisioned myself to be. A place where nothing makes me happy, Nothing. And no one... I’m in a constant battle with self but without an outlet. I feel like I am alone in this world. Am I that hard to understand? Or is this just the place I come back to for the familiarity or learning? What am I supposed to learn here? Because either I keep forgetting it or I never learned it before in the first place. It’s a place that can lead to so much darkness. Darkness I have lived in alone before. However now I am a parent, a single parent. And if I go dark, I will extinguish what little bit of light they have. I don’t want that. God knows I don’t want that. I want everything opposite for them that I had... Truthfully, I have been alone a long time. Longer than I like to admit and longer than anyone that knows me will be willing to accept. Possibly because they just don’t understand yet. And I’m okay with that. My story is mine, no one lives in this body but me. No one experiences the things that I have as THIS PERSON but me. In the same breath that I say its okay if no one understands, I say I don’t want to be alone, misunderstood. Alone in the sense of Life. I know I can always run to God for whatever I need. However, I’m human... I NEED. And its okay for me to say that. Funny thing, I just wish I could hear it from someone else for once. A constant reassurance, that life, although worth every minute, gets yucky sometimes. And that there is someone willing to hold my hand - physically, Speak to my soul- with intentions and listen with all their heart. Someone who wants to help me solve what life throws at me. Or someone(s). What do I do? Do I just say “its whatever” and pretend to be okay until I am ? What do I fight for? Do I fight? How do I fight?
I’m at the brim. I don’t know how much more I can hold. Is it safe to let it all just overflow... I have been self taught how to rest and a part of me feels like I’m doing it all wrong. It’s almost 3am and this is one of my ways to rest. Which is self destructive as work calls in a few hours. But I don’t know what else to do. I’m lost. Hoping my way back home finds me, as I am weary. Wanting there to be a moment where I wake up and I am back where I was most comfortable. When I was overlooked and not important. That’s where I felt most safe. I was fueled by something so different than everyone else around me. And nothing else mattered. I had come out of a storm so big. Life was throwing its best pitches at me and I could care less about “the world”. I was in it enough to serve to feel purpose, but out of it enough to not succumb to it. I feel like the tables have turned ever so sharply. And I will take blame for not heeding when I knew my actions were not in the right direction. But this other life seemed so much like the real thing. Like I could be who I was and who I was becoming, all at the same time. The truth is so real in the moment. You just never really know and you have to accept what comes from where YOU position yourself. I want my safe space back. I want to hear Gods voice like I did the day I stepped out on faith and without knowing what was to come, He came and He took control of it all.
Again, I am here to learn something. I just wish there was a study guide. Lord, hear my heart cry, as my words are not capable of expressing truly what it is that I am feeling or dealing with. But deep down, you know, you always know. You hear all the words I couldn’t even begin to utter. You sense the need before it is even there. And I KNOW you rescue in the storm. I’m in a fierce storm and once again, as always, I need YOUR rescue! I need you in this moment with every fiber of my being. I need you to heal me. From the top of my head to the soles of my feet. I need you to patch up the broken pieces and make me whole in you. In your loving name I pray, Amen.