I guess this is how it goes... after 42 years of looking and dedicating my life to something bigger than myself, I have come to a place where I am no longer willing to look or dedicate. The hunger that I thought would never die is gone. I’m in a place of numbness, that is until the tears start. Until my memory so kindly plays back all the lies, all the trust, all the ALL, the Everything.
This I know, I have never been a quitter and it saddens me that I have driven myself right to the ledge of hopelessness and that is where I sit my Love down. It’s even hard for me to believe that I couldn’t come back from this. That I couldn’t just pick up the pieces like every time before and just continue to live. Knowing love was somewhere, still, just for me...
My prayer at 7pm was for clarity and by 10:30, things were clear, we were still after a year, going nowhere. There wasn’t enough love, respect, honor or Trust to move us past the space we have resided in for far too long.
My next course of action, is to now maneuver through life, one moment at a time. Expecting a miracle from the one whose faith is bigger than anything I have ever encountered. Back on the path to a calling bigger than myself.
I realize sometimes we are only required to drop stuff off in peoples lives. It’s our human want and need for attachment that gets us in trouble. Oh My Lord ! How I wish I didn’t operate as a human and could every single moment of the day be spirit led. How I want to just be okay with whatever comes my way. Moment of truth... I’m hardly ever okay. I know my cup overflows with blessings and trials just the same.
This just means its time for a change. Getting back to basics, just better. What I know as facts, is that I am not losing. Even though it feels like a complete loss... it feels like, why try, why ? Why not just glorify the space of aloneness... Be completely content in just being with my kids, my few friends and myself. Why not?
I asked God, WHY ME, WHY AGAIN.... Was I so bad? Am I a bad person? I in that moment felt like I was so undeserving of the torture. I just don’t understand how anyone can play with someone’s heart. How you can open your hand to receive a heart and instead of handling it with care, you squeeze it ... with all your might. You drain it of all its life source, you keep it from accomplishing the rhythm it was made to produce... How can anyone be okay with that? How can we as human beings sit knowingly and make other human beings feel so defeated and deflated...
What I need is for God to carry me, for the rest of my life. I will need Him to forgive me for the times when I shut the world out because I’m hurting. When going forward, I can’t see far enough passed myself to see His truth. I have to believe this is the path back to finding HIM.
Today is the first day to New Beginnings. Whatever that may look like. I am trusting Him to supply just what I need at just the right time and to tell me NO when need be. I said this year, I was going to accept anything that came my way, Good or Not So Good. And I mean that. There are so many Different things that will happen. Things that I cannot change. Things that have to go a certain way so that other things can go the way they are supposed to go... So many signs of Him trying to tell me to just ride the wave. Before the wave hit... so many signs of me ignoring Him...
I have to be focused. Pray for focus. Believe in Him because His faith is increasingly more real than mine. I believe in Him, and He believes in the Father and His power. So as I move forward, I have to realize that I may not ever have one desire from my heart, not just this Love of and for another human in communion. But if everything I feel is a desire of my heart, is not His will for my life, I have to accept that. That may sound as if I have no faith or that I have lost all hope, but its not. I just understand now that I am not promised anything. I wake up daily and that is enough. I know I serve a loving God that corrects me with love and kindness. The goodness of His mercy is ENOUGH. Therefore I will not complain but instead boast in the goodness of the trials that I have come across.
I’m truly tired of fighting a battle that I don’t have to fight. All He calls me to do is to wait upon Him. He has fought every battle that I will ever face. All I need to do is draw near to Him, bury myself in His word and praise His name for allowing me to the opportunity to share in His sufferings.
God, I am truly amazed by you. I know you always know best. You patiently wait as I mess up and you without fail are still with me. You never change, you keep me inside your perfect plan. And even when I cannot see for the trees, that I plant to keep me from seeing... you still call be Beloved. Lord as this new chapter of my life starts to unveil itself, I am believing in you for strength. I am expecting you to take care of me as you have always done. I pray that my mind receives it ALL. That no word you lead me to do I turn a blind eye to. This is my season of increase and promotion in you. In your loving name I pray, Amen